I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
