how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
drinking out of a sandbucket again
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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