If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize