Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
