**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
