at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
