We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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