Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
only you would photoshop your dick
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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