I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
