i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
