I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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