I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
