I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
