I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
