lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
