Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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