sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
