drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
