Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
