Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
