Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
