I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
