I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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