Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
