I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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