I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize