yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
