Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
