The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
