I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
