I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
