I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
