I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize