so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
