What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
