Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
