my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
pop tarts are not kleenex
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
