There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
