New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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