you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize