Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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