you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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