i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
