shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
