please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
