I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
