btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
