i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
