i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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