Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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