before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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