If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
it glows. i had to have it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
