My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
it's like heaven, but drunker
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
