then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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