so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
