I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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